For clarification: when I say the word secret, I am not referring to lies. I’m talking about moments of privacy away from the public eye. I’m talking about personal experiences, thoughts, and feelings confided in others. Somehow as a culture and generation, we are losing this all important value which is essential for developing close relationships. Our public and private lives are becoming (or already are) blurred lines.
One way I have recognized this in my personal life is that after scrolling social media feeds and constantly being updated with where people are and what they are doing, it makes me feel less connected with those people when we spend time together in-person. I can’t be the only one who has faked surprise and interest about something someone shared with me that I already knew because I saw it posted on their social media account. It’s still a crazy idea to me that I can hop on social media and share whatever I so desire to my following of 200+ people, when realistically, I only know about 10-15 of them in a close and intimate way. 200 as just a number doesn’t sound like a lot but then if you think about it in a physical space like a wedding venue, your average wedding is probably around 100 guests so double that. It’s a lot.
Nobody is obligated to share personal information with you and self-disclosure is something that should naturally develop as trust is built. However, on social media, I have seen self-disclosure used as a channel for online venting, attention grabbing, or sympathy seeking, and it can be unhealthy. Of course I don’t and I can’t blame anyone for this because unlike the social norms of verbal communication and body language, the rules of social media are unwritten. Significant life-events such as a breakup, a miscarriage, a mental health diagnosis, or the death of a friend or family member, should be shared and processed in a safe environment with those closest to you, not with a depersonalized network of online followers.
I would like to make the argument that this also translates to celebrity gossip and tabloids. I do my best to avoid them, but they are e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e: grocery checkout lines, public TV screens, clickbait ads, and I suspect that because of chronic oversharing on social media, people feel as though they are entitled to personal information about celebrities such as who they are dating, what gender or sexuality they identify with, or the political party they align with. The only reason paparazzi exist is because celebrity gossip sells and it sells big. It’s always been weird to me that people care so much about what is happening in the lives of people who aren’t even aware that they exist but that’s a whole other conversation.
To tie this back to something more personal – I have been in many an awkward situation where I have been asked invasive questions by strangers about my disability, displaying complete disregard for my privacy or personal boundaries. It feels violating and dehumanizing to be treated as if others have a right to know about my condition without first knowing me as a person. I am so much more than my disability. It does not define my ability to love and be loved, nor to be successful and live a fulfilling life. And yet, when I am asked by strangers to disclose personal information about my disability, it often leads me to question my own self-worth. I don’t say this to ask for your pity, but more for your awareness of the impact that this line of questioning can have on an individual.
I guess the main point I want to make here is that knowledge of someone is not a substitute for being in their presence and making an emotional and personal connection. Relationships grow and thrive when people are given the space and time to be fully themselves, without the need to maintain a persona or regulate their behavior.* This sounds so obvious but I find that our society and culture provide few opportunities for these types of let-your-guard-down engagements to occur naturally, especially as adults and without the involvement of alcohol.
*Another consideration is the mass proliferation of both physical and digital surveillance which alters people’s behavior, whether they realize it or not. I have some other posts about that.
When I think back to childhood games like truth or dare, or childhood sleepovers and field trips, these were opportunities for friends to become closer and share the more personal details of their life. Things that maybe they couldn’t talk about at the lunch table or while their parents were around – hopes, fears, doubts, dreams. As adults, these types of engagements are few and far between because they require time and intention. It’s easier to just read or post online to check-in with friends but these are simply not comparable to and should not be substituted for quality time.
I admit it is hard growing up in the 21st century as someone who thrives on connection and creativity. So much value is placed on convenience and efficiency that it leaves little room for the wonder and mystery that comes with spontaneity. Our GPSes are optimized for the route with least diversions and mobile orders provide us with the minimum amount of interaction required to make a transaction. I’m sure there are other countless examples you can think of for how convenience and efficiency have limited our amount of opportunities to engage with the world in new and surprising ways.
Okay I need to start wrapping this up. Don’t want to be all doom and gloom so here’s a few suggestions or call to actions for how you can maintain elements of the secret and mysterious in your life:
- The next time you have strong emotions about something and might feel the pressure to share about it on social media in order to feel less alone and get the attention of an audience, consider calling up a family member or close friend to talk about it with instead. This will do more good for you than online engagement as you can be fully honest and transparent.
- Make more room in your life for mystery. Take a new route home. Explore your local coffee shop instead of the chain Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts. Do something spontaneous! Take a risk!
Unwind_My_Mind 